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For me as a woman in my fourth decade, I’ve always believed that politeness is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Although I have a happy life, I’ve battled very poor self-esteem. This mix of aiming to be considerate and lacking faith in myself has turned me into someone who says sorry often. Frequently, it happens so reflexively that I’m barely noticing of it. It comes from anxiety and has impacted both my private and work life. It annoys my close ones and workmates, and then I get upset when they bring it up—which only heightens my anxiety.

Presenting and Questioning

This constant saying sorry is especially problematic when it comes to addressing a group or asking questions in front of people. I try to have a script to stay on track and avoid anxious tangents, but even that fails most of the time. As an junior researcher in politics, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to tackle this through exposure therapy, such as teaching classes and forcing myself to ask questions at public events, despite experiencing humiliations from established male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I revert to old habits.

Self-Acceptance

I don’t think I’ll ever completely love myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still value life and find it meaningful. My main goal is to curb the frequent sorrys. I’ve learned that therapy might benefit me, but I question how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a useful skill, but it must be used correctly. Too infrequent or too excessive, and you place a burden on others.

Exploring the Causes

A therapist might explore where this urge comes from. Inquiries such as, “How early were you when this developed?” or “Was it self-inspired or adopted from someone important to you?” Sometimes, childhood behaviors that once helped us become unhelpful in later years.

In fact, some of your present actions could be seen as holding yourself back. You know it annoys those around you, yet you persist it.

Benefits of Counseling

When asked what counseling could do, one approach focuses on being rather than acting. Much of helpful sessions is about self-awareness, not just fixing issues. A skilled therapist will gently challenge you, offering a safe space to explore and embrace who you are.

Instead of facing fears head-on, a interpersonal focus with a supportive guide might be more beneficial. This can help you return to yourself and examine how you treat, dismiss, and criticize yourself. It can assist in identifying self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more gentle ways to see things. Your confidence can improve from there.

Practical Steps

Changing ingrained patterns is challenging, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a automatic response. But you can start by reflecting on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid discomfort or vulnerability, by recognizing perceived shortcomings before others do. This can create a loop of annoyance and worry.

Even reflecting afterward can be useful. Try counting to 10 before responding, or use a alternative statement instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel heard without you taking accountability.

This process will take persistence, but recognizing there’s an issue is a important first step toward growth.